How I managed to escape this aspect of life up until that point remains one of the great mysteries of my life.
I was no stranger to the darker things in this world.
Actually, I had become quite friendly with a number of the vagaries of life such as failure, illness, poverty, rejection and loss.
Actually, I had become quite friendly with a number of the vagaries of life such as failure, illness, poverty, rejection and loss.
But nothing that happened prior to this could prepare me for what was about to happen.
I had never been completely blindsided before.
Betrayal.
Recently, I had a little brush with betrayal but nothing major, a scrape to my knees, if you will.
Cleaned it off and put a band-aid on it and I was up the very next morning ready to meet the world.
In other words, I was given some kind of warning that such an event might occur.
Last night, I came across a piece on the Opinion page in The New York Times and those old tapes started to play in my head all over again.
As a psychiatrist I find that friends frequently seek me out to discuss problematic events in their lives; it comes with the territory and I’m usually happy to do it. But I was surprised and shaken to hear from an old friend that her husband of nearly 25 years had long been accruing and hiding from her a huge credit card debt (in the six figures). Even after divulging his secret, the husband had lied about the amount, with the sum increasing every time it was discussed. And right from the start, he refused to document where the money was spent. He left it for his wife to ruminate on, trying to puzzle it out. The disclosure wreaked financial and emotional havoc on their family.
There is no rest from betrayal.
They were people who had suddenly discovered that their life, as they knew it, was based on a long-term falsehood. They were people who might have stumbled across family secrets on the Internet or found old bills from a spouse’s long-hidden liaisons.
There are so many ways to betray and be betrayed.
I knew a woman once who had been betrayed by a former employer. It became all-pervasive in her life.
She could speak of little else.
Even the day’s weather could betray her, she was so engulfed in its torment.
Discoveries of such secrets typically bring on tumultuous crises. Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.
Whenever, this woman spoke to me on this subject, I was taken by the fact that she was so impassioned by a mere employment termination, I wondered what would happen if betrayal came via love.
One day, she came to my workplace and asked to speak to me in private. Yes, this time it was about her lover whom she believed was having an affair behind her back.
I soothed her suitably and her relationship with this man continued.
She was entirely dependent on her lover..He was her everything.
In Anna Fels article, she tells the reader that the person who perpetrates the betrayal has an easier time of it because they can change but the person, the victim, of the betrayal is left behind.
And to an astonishing extent, the social blowback for such miscreants is often transient and relatively minor. They can change! Our culture, in fact, wholeheartedly supports such “new beginnings” — even celebrates them. It has a soft spot for the prodigal sons and daughters who set about repairing their ways, for tales of people starting over: reformed addicts, unfaithful spouses who rededicate themselves to family, convicted felons who find redemption in religion. Talk shows thrive on these tales. Perhaps it’s part of our powerful national belief in self-help and self-creation. It’s never too late to start anew.
I left my marriage a few years later.
This woman I had befriended, began to work for me in my small business.
One day, I met the man in her life, her reason for existence.
He soon became my reason for existence.
I lived only to be in his arms.
Months passed.
I began to hate myself.
This duplicity
was beginning to make my life unbearable.
It did not take long before I cracked up and sought professional help.As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it’s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece — one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it’s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one’s past. Isak Dinesen has been quoted as saying “all sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.
I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending to this story.
I am certain you know that would be an impossibility.
My friend (I have no right to use that word) found out about the clandestine relationship.
All parties were greatly damaged.
And of course, shortly before my 42nd birthday, this man whom I believed to be the love of my life…..
Well, he transgressed.
He left me for another woman.
A new woman.
Lessons are learned everyday.
I am well aware that it is a privilege to be free of the guilt so I can put some perspective on that dark time in my life.
This is my story.
This is the final stage of what they call the healing process.
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