The Sleeveless Schmatta

 

       Some say Canada can be as cold as a witch's tit in the winter and to this old adage, I concur.

However, in my own personal experience it has never been cold enough to button or zip up my outerwear up here in the Great White North.

"Doing up" makes you appear all uptight and frigid about the cold.  You must remember to stay calm because if the wind is blowing your way with just the right amount of gusto, a woman can appear as though she is in a "Vogue" winter photo shoot stylishly embracing the winter as opposed to enduring its wrath with all of her might.

My friends think I am a crazy woman.....and I should just shut up and do up.

"Not doing up" is as far as I go during the winter months. In every other way, I am a true Nanook of the north, of course, minus the toque.

I believe it was Judy Garland who first  gave us the motto: "Everything in moderation".

A few seasons back, I read an article titled : "Sleeveless" by Libby Copeland in Slate.com.

Libby, like myself was incredibly concerned and wanted to engage the public in a discourse on what was truly troubling in the world today.

The sleeveless schmatta.

The sleeveless sheath seems to be the chosen/only uniform for all female broadcasters/television hosts these days.

   All joking aside, you wake up and turn the morning news on, it is the end of January, and you see a perky woman speaking in such a high tone ( probably because she is freezing her ass off) that your dog begins to bark.

Hoda, Kathie Lee, 

Mika, Lara…….what the F#%K are you thinking when the stylist hands you a  sleeveless dress in the depths of winter and you agree to wear it?

And is the price of pantyhose so ginormous in NYC, Toronto and Los Angeles that none of you can afford a pair or have they been rationed like nylons in World War Two? 

Katie Couric has called out her colleagues on this fashion faux pas when she said that some of these women “look like they are going clubbing.”

And, she doesn’t mean they are going on assignment to bring us back the news about the horrific ways we slaughter baby seals.

Where Is Donna Karan?

Where Is Giorgio Armani?

Oh how I yearn for those big big boxy jackets and the snows of yesteryear!

Those were the days, when we all dressed for success in our androgynous suits……..when we revered shoulder pads over almost everything else in life.

Yes, it is true we preferred shoulder pads over pumpkin spice lattes

  and clitoral stimulation.

I cannot fib when it comes to fashion.

Does baring your leg show the world you are so powerful you do not feel the cold?

Well toned arms are uber sexy but do they show the world you are a female Hercules?

And exactly how early in the morning or late at night do these women have their lackeys start working on their daily ablutions (not counting their time working out?)
This is me.

This is how I look first thing in the morning. Yes, I am sideways for a reason, I don’t want you to go entirely into psychogenic shock.

This is Mika Brzezinski in an advertisement for “Morning Joe.

This is how I should look in the morning.

Ms. Brzezinski will be 48 years old this May.

I am 58 years old.

Here is me after 90 minutes of prepping and I have yet to conquer my hair.

 You can see for yourself: I am not a HAPPY CAMPER!!!

It will probably take me at least 20 more minutes to do my hair and another twenty minutes to get dressed.

In total that is two hours and 10 minutes just to “clean up” and look presentable to the world.

And yes…..

I shall be wearing a sweater with sleeves.

My legs will not be bare.

My boots will be flat.

Just in case you are the gambling type, you can bet all of your money on my hair looking like a limp dish rag before I reach my destination.

Now If I were living a real woman’s life and by that I mean: married with children, pets and a home to look after…..

I couldn’t afford the luxury of that kind of time……not to even mention the time it takes to go to the gym.

It is only 9:00 a.m. in the morning.

And yet, it is though, by all the rules and standards of the fashion and beauty world: I have been unsuccessful in my quest. I have not made the grade.

I have failed……. once again.