It is 1:37 a.m. where I am.
Twelve hours ago, I was all “hyped-up” about writing a post on the phenomenon of “vocal fry”.
That idea soon crapped out so I thought I might chat a little bit about Katty Kay and Claire Shipman’s new book: “The Confidence Gap”.
That one was not exactly cookin’ with gas for me either.
Now for the past two days, I’ve had this riff going through my head and I can’t seem to shake it.
The riff: the hair on my head is as dry as my vagina.
Ten years ago when my vagina went all dry on me, it didn’t matter that much and I think that’s because nobody noticed it. You know, it wasn’t visible to the world.
Only my vagina and myself knew I was drying up.
But the hair on my head is on display, it is out there, the entire world can see it.
Translation: in Robyn’s world, the whole freakin’ ENTIRE planet knows I am drying up.
A bad hair day every once in a while, a woman can handle, but now EVERYDAY….let’s face it, from now on my life is going to be…one, big, bad hair day after another.
The crown is really dry so last week I was convinced if only I changed my part from the left to the right, Robyn could make a comeback, but no such luck on that little strategy.
And that brings me to this bittersweet but honest conclusion: I can’t FAKE things anymore.
Way back, during my Rapunzel years, if I had a bad hair day, no worries, because it probably was going to be a good make-up day for me.
However, I have noticed lately that I am getting wacked with the double whammy.
You ladies know what I am talking about.
Both my hair and my visage are letting me down.
When I put my make-up on nothing really happens anymore. There is no visible TRANSFORMATION like there used to be.
To put it in layman’s terms, it makes no freakin’ difference at all.
Not to mention the fact, I have to spend more time on these daily ablutions.
And time really isn’t on my side anymore even though I have more “time” than I ever have…. to waste on myself.
It’s just not my hair and my make-up, I have a shitload of grievances.
But I won’t give you the entire shitload because neither of us have that amount of time to spare.
Firstly, I am really “myopic” but the solution used to be an easy one: God invented the ‘contact lens” and he saw that it was good, maybe even a bit of a miracle so let us praise the almighty Lord for that little cream puff he bestowed upon the “astigmatized.”
But somewhere along the line, My contacts and my eyes fell out of love with one another.
But you see, at that time, the timing was perfect on this minor hiccup in my life because the CELEBRITY WORLD began their big love affair with SPECTACLES.
Yay!!
Yes, I have a wardrobe of glasses these days, just recently, I added a pair of “Ray Ban Wayfarers” to my collection because I was watching this documentary on James Gandolfini and his” Soprano’s” co-star Lorraine Bracco was wearing a pair at some tribute to the dead actor and Lorraine looked absolutely spectacular in her “Wayfarers.”
I do not look like Lorraine Bracco in my “Wayfarers”.
In fact, I think they make the bags under my eyes look more prominent which is weird because I get more sleep now than I ever have in my life.
In fact, I think they make the bags under my eyes look more prominent which is weird because I get more sleep now than I ever have in my life.
Have I said too much?
Do you want to throw yourself in front of a truck?
Do you want me to stop going on about these neurotic, self-absorbed, uptown problems?
Even I think, I should go out into the garden and eat worms.
But before I feast on those wiggly little worms, I want to leave you all with this little story….
On Saturday afternoon, I was in the “Little Italy” part of my city where all the Italian men stand on the corner and watch the girls go by.
And where they get all crude and say things like: Hey Toots! Hey Gorgeous! Got some time for me?
I must have strolled by 100 men.
Nothing. Nada. Not a glance. Not a whistle. Not even one single guffaw.
Now, I know that it is World Cup Soccer Week, or month, or whatever…. but I think my secret is out….
The world knows. I can’t fake it any longer.
They know my party is over.
Every one knows this bird has flown.
Yes indeed, my ship has sailed.
Sailed….. from the DEEP… and into shallow waters…. left the shallow end….
and parked itself on land where all things are…
DRY!!!
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