"As a Jewish therapist, I turn to Jewish traditions and psychotherapy. Both schools of thought rely on the foundation of mindfulness, the ability to get out of our heads and into our bodies to stay in the present. Anxieties blossom from thinking of the future—the “what if….” Depression grows from reconsidering the past—the “I should’ve….” Staying in the present through our senses keeps us grounded. I can be present in the real world: I see myself placing my keys by the door. I can also be present to my internal world: “My stomach is flipping.”
- Barbara Stock
By the end of 1997, I was a perfect candidate for the crazy house.
It is now February 2017, and very little has changed in my life during the last 20 years.
The one BIG change is in 1997, I had a business, I had a fabulous teen-aged son, a man who adored me, tons of friends, a great apartment, super wardrobe, I was thin.....
and the list could go on forever.
I had a life then.
I have no life now. And this life that I don't have now, how much longer will it last? The other night I took a paper and pen and added these two numbers 85+57 =142 and then divided 142 by half. The answer is 71.
I was overjoyed. Only 10 years more to live!! My crazy way of thinking was if my father died at 85 and my mother died at 57 and I added them together and divided them by 2...I would know exactly when the grim reaper would come knocking at my door.
Whenever, I am with people who knew me prior to my illness, I sense their discomfort. I know exactly what they are thinking. "She isn't what she used to be", "It really is a shame, isn't it?" I thought all those "meds" she pops would help her.
Family is different.
Luckily, I don't feel that way when I look into my son's eyes.
There is nothing like the love between a mother and a child.
My son is 35, married and about to become a father.
Depression grows from reconsidering the past—the “I should’ve….”
Last September, my former business partner moved back to Canada.
She moved to California in 1997.
I envy her memory.
Her brain seems to have prioritized the past perfectly.
Her memory is in total order where mine seems to be like a tiny mountain of dirty clothes piled in a corner of my medial lobe waiting to be sorted and laundered.
"How many times do I wear my jeans before tossing them into the washer?"
"And are those dryer sheets so full of carcinogens that I dare not ever use them again even when my socks are so full of static electricity they have attached themselves to my sheets?"
Ah, to live in the present moment.
Staying in the present through our senses keeps us grounded. I can be present in the real world: I see myself placing my keys by the door.
To view those keys simply as instruments used to open a locked door and NOT SEE THEM AS ANYTHING ELSE.
To not feel the unbridled freedom of your first pair of roller skates with that meddlesome key hanging on a string pounding against your heart as you navigate your way through city streets and alleyways on a hot day dreaming of ice cream and cute boys.
Tennessee Williams play: "The Glass Menagerie" evokes the theme of memory and reality flawlessly.
“The play is memory.” The play is Tom's memory of the past, and all of the action takes place in his head. That action is therefore dramatic, sentimental, and emotional, not realistic. As is fitting in a play that is itself a memory of the past, in The Glass Menagerie the past haunts all the characters.
Tom feels trapped by memory. He sees the past as a physical and emotional restraint that prevents him from living his life. And yet there is something in it that holds him, too—he is compelled to return to memory over and over again. His repetitive actions, such as smoking and going to the movies, demonstrate both his desire to escape and the relentless cycle of the past. And the fact that the play itself is a memory he feels the need to transform into a play suggests that Tom has still not escaped that past.
Williams had this to say about his masterpiece: Menagerie bled out of a particularly personal vein in my body--nestled closely to the heart.
Obviously, Williams knew nothing about his medial lobe.
Over the last 20 years. I have come to terms with some aspects of my past only to find a wet fish come up from somewhere even deeper to slap me even harder in the face.
I put my failed business behind me.
The love affair gone sour? I learned to love again.
But what is it that bleeds out of a particularly personal vein in my body--nestled closely to the heart?
My childhood and my family.
Is my life nothing but a Memory play where I am the lead character narrating the events from memory?
Like I said before: "Family is different.''
Family lays heavier on the mind.
It is your roots.
Now psychiatry, and science tell me my memory a.k.a. medial lobe is sick and may not even be telling me anything remotely close to my childhood memories of my family.
My brain is not functioning at its optimum level, so it is in my best interest to trust science, jewish tradition, and psychiatry..
If I take what I have learned about chronic depression and major breakdowns..... there is no growth in "wound dwelling".
To dwell in my wounds is to give life and power to the past.
I must close that chapter and glory in the present moment.
I must learn to be mindful of my present tasks while being present in my internal mind as well.
Because it is there: I will be" close to all hearts, in all the regions, across all the desires, bound together in our shared humanity."
- Barbara Stock
By the end of 1997, I was a perfect candidate for the crazy house.
It is now February 2017, and very little has changed in my life during the last 20 years.
The one BIG change is in 1997, I had a business, I had a fabulous teen-aged son, a man who adored me, tons of friends, a great apartment, super wardrobe, I was thin.....
and the list could go on forever.
I had a life then.
I have no life now. And this life that I don't have now, how much longer will it last? The other night I took a paper and pen and added these two numbers 85+57 =142 and then divided 142 by half. The answer is 71.
I was overjoyed. Only 10 years more to live!! My crazy way of thinking was if my father died at 85 and my mother died at 57 and I added them together and divided them by 2...I would know exactly when the grim reaper would come knocking at my door.
Whenever, I am with people who knew me prior to my illness, I sense their discomfort. I know exactly what they are thinking. "She isn't what she used to be", "It really is a shame, isn't it?" I thought all those "meds" she pops would help her.
Family is different.
Luckily, I don't feel that way when I look into my son's eyes.
There is nothing like the love between a mother and a child.
My son is 35, married and about to become a father.
Depression grows from reconsidering the past—the “I should’ve….”
Last September, my former business partner moved back to Canada.
She moved to California in 1997.
I envy her memory.
Her brain seems to have prioritized the past perfectly.
Her memory is in total order where mine seems to be like a tiny mountain of dirty clothes piled in a corner of my medial lobe waiting to be sorted and laundered.
"How many times do I wear my jeans before tossing them into the washer?"
"And are those dryer sheets so full of carcinogens that I dare not ever use them again even when my socks are so full of static electricity they have attached themselves to my sheets?"
Ah, to live in the present moment.
Staying in the present through our senses keeps us grounded. I can be present in the real world: I see myself placing my keys by the door.
To view those keys simply as instruments used to open a locked door and NOT SEE THEM AS ANYTHING ELSE.
To not feel the unbridled freedom of your first pair of roller skates with that meddlesome key hanging on a string pounding against your heart as you navigate your way through city streets and alleyways on a hot day dreaming of ice cream and cute boys.
Tennessee Williams play: "The Glass Menagerie" evokes the theme of memory and reality flawlessly.
“The play is memory.” The play is Tom's memory of the past, and all of the action takes place in his head. That action is therefore dramatic, sentimental, and emotional, not realistic. As is fitting in a play that is itself a memory of the past, in The Glass Menagerie the past haunts all the characters.
Tom feels trapped by memory. He sees the past as a physical and emotional restraint that prevents him from living his life. And yet there is something in it that holds him, too—he is compelled to return to memory over and over again. His repetitive actions, such as smoking and going to the movies, demonstrate both his desire to escape and the relentless cycle of the past. And the fact that the play itself is a memory he feels the need to transform into a play suggests that Tom has still not escaped that past.
Williams had this to say about his masterpiece: Menagerie bled out of a particularly personal vein in my body--nestled closely to the heart.
Obviously, Williams knew nothing about his medial lobe.
Over the last 20 years. I have come to terms with some aspects of my past only to find a wet fish come up from somewhere even deeper to slap me even harder in the face.
I put my failed business behind me.
The love affair gone sour? I learned to love again.
But what is it that bleeds out of a particularly personal vein in my body--nestled closely to the heart?
My childhood and my family.
Is my life nothing but a Memory play where I am the lead character narrating the events from memory?
Like I said before: "Family is different.''
Family lays heavier on the mind.
It is your roots.
Now psychiatry, and science tell me my memory a.k.a. medial lobe is sick and may not even be telling me anything remotely close to my childhood memories of my family.
My brain is not functioning at its optimum level, so it is in my best interest to trust science, jewish tradition, and psychiatry..
If I take what I have learned about chronic depression and major breakdowns..... there is no growth in "wound dwelling".
To dwell in my wounds is to give life and power to the past.
I must close that chapter and glory in the present moment.
I must learn to be mindful of my present tasks while being present in my internal mind as well.
Because it is there: I will be" close to all hearts, in all the regions, across all the desires, bound together in our shared humanity."
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